I try to avoid talking in great detail about my struggle with type 1 bipolar disorder. Yes I am a rapid cycler, I go through moods more than most people would in their entire lifetime. That is beside the point though, as a wife who is entrusted with carrying a human life-Lydia Faith, and ending up with mysterious seizures that we're trying to find a neurologist that understands I'm hitting road blocks-all because I'm bipolar. My previous neurologist was of no help-he said in short-I'm bipolar it's my fault I'm seizing because I'm not controlling my mood swings-and he won't help me but give me all the drugs I want after Lydia gets here.
At the hospital I was classified as someone with pseudo seizures because I can respond to pain-which I have NO idea is happening-and since I'm bipolar it's something psychological because I'm off my medication-because it's too dangerous to take while I'm pregnant. However, I am in control of my moods, I am seeing a specialist every single month for my check in with my bipolar disorder, and I am in full on recovery mode. That does not mean I will never have problems, outbursts when the mania hits, but I am well in control of my actions, thoughts and mood switches. I know how serious this disorder is and how it affects every part of my life. I also know it can't be pseudo, because I'm figuring out what is triggering them-anything that involves rapid eye movement-which means at church the songs on the powerpoint, my beloved Sims 3 game, flashing lights, fast movements on television and the like. I am controlling my seizures myself-until my awesome OB who doesn't judge me because I'm bipolar finds someone for me to go to.
Being judged because I'm bipolar is something I've ran into since being diagnosed in October 2013. Most health care professionals are unsure what to do. My neurologist threw that very unhelpful mood quiz at me right after I was in the E.R the day before with a seizure attack-I seized for over an hour straight all they did was watch me my mom said. Of course I would be in a bad mood, I was pretty much ignored and watched until I came around. On the day before Sunday-they gave me something to pull me out and made sure I was okay before sending me home. So I had every reason to be agitated, frustrated and wanting to scream especially after the neurologist is of no help. The neurologist also took almost 2 hours to see me so I was already mad and then being told it's all my fault really iced the cake-how is it my fault I am seizing. I am no longer dealing with the PTSD flashbacks and nightmares anymore they're a distant memory thanks to the person I see regularly who has helped me move on with my life.
When I'm seizing I am as chill as everything, I'm doing the Zen thing I was taught by my specialist to keep me calm when I start getting frenzied, and it works wonders. I never seize when I'm in the middle of a cycle switch either, or when I'm in a certain mood. Yes I sometimes deal with insomnia sometimes it's because my little jumping bean decides it's time to party at 2am other times it's because I'm manic and I want to enjoy the mania of getting little sleep, and enjoying the roller coaster ride. But do I seize then, no-I do not. I seize when I decide it'll be fun to play the Sims 3, I have most expansion packs and so I could play for hours, or I decide to sing following the powerpoint slide and not my trusty hymnbook, or any other combination of things.
I wish healthcare would stop judging us that are mentally ill and realize not everything is because I'm bipolar. I have stage 4 endometriosis it wasn't caused by bipolar disorder, same with my fibromyalgia-that is a result of the endometriosis. My thought is this, if we can't stop judging those who need the help with other health problems we're never going to be a country who cares about the mentally ill. Being put in a box labeled mentally ill and it causes x, y and z without finding another cause will only hurt this country and hurt those who need help. I'm very blessed to have a husband who helps me and understands why I am the way I am-and who makes sure I get doctors who don't blame the illness and blame me. It's not easy being bipolar and it's sure not easy when people don't want to find the real cause of health problems! Hopefully soon I will find out the true cause of my seizures instead of living in fear of them happening.
