Recovery

About 6 months ago I was hopeless, tired of living, tired of struggling and I was sick of everything. I cried out to God, asking "why me?" because I had no idea where to go. I had been struggling on and off for 12 years with severe depression and anxiety-I did not know where to turn. Until, I got set up with my therapist Ms. K. She has been a lifesaver-and brought me back from the brink of death to a life worth living.

I did not know I was bipolar-all I knew was the highs and lows were extreme. The anger and hatred I felt was overwhelming. Spiritually I was in a bad place-I wanted to get closer to God but the depression was preventing me from getting better spiritually. Then I met my therapist. With her help I was able to change how I thought, how I acted, realized that bipolar disorder is not an excuse for my actions, but a reason to change my actions and do better. I realized how afraid of the world I was-I couldn't leave the house sometimes, I couldn't drive my car, I was literally trapped in my own body and my own house.

Six months ago I filled out an anxiety and depression survey. My depression was at a 36-which meant severe suicidal depression, my anxiety was at a 14, very severe-and together my therapist worked with me and helped me get through those dark days-I went every week for a while, then two weeks, now I am back to once a month to go for monthly check ins. The irrational fears are gone-I can drive again, I'm not afraid to be alone anymore while my husband is working. The anger and outbursts are under control-I have what we have called the pregnancy hormones but that is it.

I am spiritually stronger, willing and ready to be the best Christian I can be, because through the dark days God lead me, He lead me to my therapist, He helped me through my struggle of learning how to think logically and outwardly, along with therapy I have improved so much.

It isn't because I'm pregnant I'm recovering, I'm recovering for myself, and I have built a wall around me, when it gets bad, I pray, I know when I'm going manic, I know when the depression hits, and I know how to fight it. I have resources both here on earth and above.

I never thought I could recover, and stay stable without medication. Yes I have bad days and some days are harder but I am recovering. I am taking it one day at a time-and becoming the wife and soon to be mother I have needed and wanted to be. Above all I am becoming the Christian God desires of me. For that I am proud, and I am grateful to have wonderful people in my life that help me through it. For though I walk through the shadow of Death I shall fear no evil.